I haven't been able to write in awhile. Not because I haven't had time, but because I just couldn't write. I wasn't sure why until recently. I believe I need to put some distance between the hell of cancer and my life now. Writing this blog, even though I had hoped to focus on my recovery, reminds me too much of the cancer blog. Honestly right now I'd like to forget everything about having had cancer. Not the great, sweet lessons of course, but all the other stuff. I need some time to just focus on being in my life without writing about it as an observer. In the middle of the cancer I think I kept my sanity by separating myself enough to be an observer of myself. I don't want to observe my life right now- I want to be IN my life. Right in the thick of things feeling my feelings right as they're happening, rather than writing about them later. I'm not sure if this makes sense or not, but stopping the blog is the right thing for me to do. Of course I reserve the right to change my mind, but as of now this will be the last entry.
I've continued to take pictures of all our fun summer activities. I may share them on facebook sometimes. The girls and I continue to get better and better with each day. We are connecting together as a family beautifully. I am getting my strength and energy back, and at the same time I can feel that my physical body is not what it used to be. I continue to try to find balance between being active and resting. I often start the day out feeling great, then do too much and get over-exhausted. My sleep patterns continue to suck- still not sleeping well most nights. I'm considering having a sleep study done. I have some brand new goals that I'm working on. One of which is to become a strong swimmer. I've started lap swimming and I am so clumsy at it but I love it anyway. I'm also biking more and running less since it still hurts my breast when I run. I'm still playing soccer. I will still write, but in my journal and just for myself for now. My emotions are smoothing out- not such intense highs and lows. I still get sad and I still get scared when I think about cancer. But I have more and more moments of pure joy that last longer and are more frequent. My scars are fading quickly and my hair is growing. My arm continues to trouble me, but I can feel that it is getting stronger each day. I still get overwhelmed easily by too many things happening at once and I have not gotten back my ability to be good at multi-tasking. I continue to struggle with my appetite and with figuring out what to make for meals.
My big gift from cancer that I believe will be with me for life is the sense that each moment of each day is a precious gift to be noticed and cherished. I notice my life more than ever before and I love each bit of it. My soul is left marked with a deep sadness and an immense joy.